- Nick Santora (we just talked about him yesterday) is writing an untitled CBS drama about a “real-life Professor X” who “recruited the world’s greatest brains…to…solve the world’s mst pressing and significant problems” while also teaching each other to, WTF, get along. (“Real-life Professor X?!” Kee-rist! We can’t stand this! We can’t! We can’t! Aargh!)
- Corinne Brinkerhoff (THE GOOD WIFE) is writing a CW drama pilot about a young woman who is recruited by the CIA to spy on her “recently discovered biological family, a wealthy…dynasty suspected of having criminal alliances across the globe….” (WTF is wrong with these people? Do they really believe any audience will give a flying fuck?! We repeat: Aargh!)
- Ed Helms & Graham Wagner (THE OFFICE) are writing an animated NBC pilot called MYSTERY ISLAND, which looks like it’s FANTASY ISLAND but a lot less comfortable. (What? They’re missing LOST so much that they want to redo it as a cartoon comedy? And NBC stockholders are supposed to support the salaries of its execs? (Time for another Aargh!)
- Nicholas Wootton (GOLDEN BOY) is writing a pilot called THE SHRINE for CBS, about a hospital where miracles occur. (It’s based on a forthcoming novel by Gareth Wootton, who just happens to be Nicholas’ father. We understand and appreciate the glorious H’wood tradition that this kind of deal is based on and salute all involved for keeping the flame.)
- Brian Koppelman & David Levien are out as showrunners for HBO’s upcoming rock and roll drame – the one created by Terence Winter, Martin Scorsese, and some dood name of Mick Jagger. (Creative differences? Already? Who’d a thunk?)
- Shawn Ryan & Davey Holmes (THE CHICAGO CODE) have a pilot commitment at Fox for their untitled drama about Hawaii in the ’50s. (Cuz…Hawaii! The 50s! Old network commitment that’s gotta be honored! Okay, so we’re not certain about that last, but…rumors.)
Well, as y’all can see, our glorious experiment in being cool and kind has ended after only a decade. Well, it felt like a decade, for crying out loud. We’re sorry, but it’s just impossible to read these press releases about idiotic ideas and not want to throw up on the page a bit as well as in our mouths. In other words, we’ve lost the bet our girlfriend made with us about not being able to go for a week without snarking. But you’ll have to take our word for it that, as wonderful as the promised reward for success was, it wasn’t worth keeping quiet for.
And no, we aren’t going to tell you. Just imagine the most wonderful gift one person in a relationship could give another and multiply by 100…and then factor in that we’re pretty smart, if we do say so ourselves, and already have another plan on how to get it anyway. Just don’t muck that about, okay?